I was in my housemate’s room earlier, and we were just lying on the bed, talking about random things. H1N1 came up.
Then it instantly struck me.
What would I do if I found out that I was about to die from a contagious disease?
The first few things that came to mind in a flash was:
- I would be quarantined. Therefore, restricting my mobility to run about doing things that I normally wouldn’t do. (This also serves to narrow down the scope of this blog post, cause if I were to die from, say for instance, cancer, I’d be free to run amok in the city and do reeeeeally crazy shit. And it’d be completely plausible for my dying wishes count to reach 3,000, let alone 3.) So, is there anything I want done,with the aid of certain people, on the outside world?
- How would the atmosphere of my final days be like?
- What would be my biggest regret(s)?
- How do I want to die? And where do I want to be laid to rest?
I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. They say your life flashes in front of your eyes when you’re about to die. And I can assert the truth to that. Maybe it’s because I read a lot which causes me to acquire the tendency to remove and place myself in (usually fictitious) someone else’s position to the extent that I can actually mimic their feelings and emotions. (Just a tip, it’s really helpful when you want to truly get the feel of a book.)
I found myself holding my breath after I said aloud what was on my mind. I guess it was far too incomprehensible an idea for my teeny weeny brain to wrap itself around.
But that’s besides the point.
What I’m trying to say is that I began to realise so many things. It was like someone turned my world upside down and I’m seeing everything through a stranger’s eye for the first time – a radical, brand new perspective. So now, to answer the questions that popped themselves into my mind. Forgive me for the lack of organization in the following paragraphs. I don’t think there’ll be a way to arrange them appropriately. Ever.
After much thought and brain-racking, I would say that my biggest, most hugest regret in the world would definitely be not having a dog. A pure bred Golden Retriever, to be specific. When I told my housemate this, I noticed that my voice was quivering and my eyes were watering slightly. That’s how much I want a dog. I’m a lonely soul practically all my life, which pretty much explains why I want a dog. I want someone to loves me completely and absolutely for who I am, not judge/dislike me for any damn thing (there are a lot of qualities which I find disagreeable about myself, from a human point of view at least) and would comfort me with it’s presence when I’m feeling down (which is every other day, I would say). These, are unquestionably tough requirements for a human being to fulfill. So yea, you get what I mean. I’d definitely want to spend my remaining earth days in the company of a canine. And I promise I won’t be picky. Any canine (except Chi Hua Huas) is fine by me. =D Btw, I’d undoubtedly place the blame on my parents and family for being animal-haters.
Disclaimer: I’m going to sound really immature and childish in this paragraph. So, feel free to just jump to the next one at any point. I will ask my housemate to get the cell phone number of the guy who sells dvds near our place. Yes, I think he’s cute and it’d be really nice to get to know someone (in that way) before I leave this world. I don’t know, through texting, I presume. I don’t think I’d see the light for me to cross-over if I didn’t get the chance to converse with him for at least one time. You know, the final flirt… Gawwwd, you’re making the whole world sound so bleak and sombre! Like it was really coming to an end!!
Last but not least, I don’t want to be surrounded by people (i.e. family members) sniffing, puffy-eyed, sobbing, red-nosed and crying their eyes out over my fate. This is really mean, but I will shut down and ignore them completely. To be utterly honest, I’d rather not see their faces at all. Or even hear their voices. I’m emotionless when it comes to them. It’s as if I’m numb of all affection from and to them. I guess we’re just so distant that it feels like we live on planets which are million light-years away from one another. And dying does not automatically narrow the gap. To really think about it, there isn’t anyone I want to see. All I ask for is to be surrounded by reading materials. Books, magazines, novels, periodicals, encyclopedias, etc. That’s the way I want it. I will die engulfed by fabricated characters and phony lives. It’s going to be a slow, lonely death. But lonely doesn’t necessarily make it miserable. I sincerely believe that I’ll be happiest that way. =) I’d probably blog a lot too. That’d be the only mark I’m leaving in the world: my blog.
Oh, and one more thing, I want to be cremated. And I want my ashes to be poured in an angelic place. A gorgeous lake with a breath-taking view, preferably. Fenced in by lush greenery and no brick buildings for miles and miles. If I’m allowed to be picky, I’d say outside Malaysia. But that’s kinda outta my hands. (shrugs)
It’s 5.30am now. The sun is about to rise and I have not gotten any shut eye for 18 hours now. Inspirations comes at the weirdest hours and moments, I tell you.
After having said it all, I cannot say without a shadow of doubt that that would really be the case when and if that dreaded day ever comes. But for now, I’m relatively sure that those would be my dying wishes.
Lying there, I made a silent vow to myself that I would start each day by asking myself that question.
What if today was my last day?
Would I do anything differently?
Genevieve.
PS: I forgot to mention the most crucial thing – I’m not afraid of dying. But I guess I made it pretty obvious by forgetting to insert it in the first place. =P
